I hate mainstream music. Well, ok, not mainstream music per se, but definitely the songs that generally stain the Billboard Top 100. The music itself is nothing but a marketing tool, and a band's status in the music industry has less value than their celebrity status as individuals.
There has been a lot of terrible music released in 2010; so much so that I would go as far as to say it is one of the worst years for popular music ever (even if Boom Boom Pow was released in 2009). Fly Like a G6 is a good example of this. Not only is this song about nothing (go do your research people, the band said it themselves), but it has introduced such moronic terms as 'getting slizzard' into the international colloquial dictionary. Then there's Chris Brown's Deuces, a song about how he was lampooned because a certain woman didn't know how to keep her mouth shut. Nevertheless it was received well. And let's not go into everything that is wrong with Whip My Hair.
But none of these qualify as the worst song of 2010. Why? Because as terrible as they are, they're still just as hollow as everything else. It takes something special to be considered the worst song, and that something is the noise created when a bland ukulele riff meets lyrics so horrendous that nearly every line breaks something in my brain every time I hear it. This song is the 8th most downloaded song in history, and a video featuring nothing but the lyrics has over 30 million views and comments where people actually admit to thinking that this is a well written song. I am, of course, talking about Train's Hey, Soul Sister.
Doesn't this face just scream "I know I wrote a shit song but goddamn will the morons of the world still lap this up!"?
Train are one of those bands that have managed to stay relevant because they've just followed the trends rather than setting them, and in doing so can be forgotten for years before coming back to once again sound like everyone else. Although they're a bit late (and a little old) to the mid-tempo pop 'cool guy/s who probably surf and have limited guitar skills' trend it's, once again, the lyrics that make this the worst song of 2010. So I'll let them do the talking.
"Hey, hey, hey" Yep, that's how the song starts. This is one of those elements that annoy me in any song whether I like the band or not; one word/noise filler. If this was just at the start of the song I wouldn't have mentioned it, but since it is repeated several times it's fair game.
"Your lipstick stains on the front lobe of my left side brains." The first true line of the song, and certainly one of the worst. These are the words of someone who has no idea what he is talking about. Let's say we give Pat Monahan a break and guess he's talking about the emotional impact the girl has rather than the fact the plural makes it sound like he has multiple, smaller than average brains. Well that's too bad, because the emotional core of the brain is in the centre. What she just kissed is your speech section. And that's pretty stupid.
"I knew I wouldn't forget you, and so I went and let you blow my mind." Wanted: a meaning for this line.
"Your sweet moonbeam..." So...wait...he's singing about the moon? For those of you playing at home read every line from now on as if that was the case, while I'll just assume this is Pat spewing random noise to rhyme with dream.
Unless he meant something like this. Then I'm ok with it.
"I know when we collided, you're the one I have decided who's one of my kind." Sounds like this verse was meant to be two lines longer, but because they couldn't fit them in they just took the essence of three lines and crammed them into one. Remember logic was dismissed before this song even started.
"Hey, Soul Sister, ain't that Mr. Mister on the radio, stereo? The way you move ain't fair, y'know." We're up to the chorus and...Mr. Mister? MR. MISTER! What the hell are you talking about? This is Mr. Mister. She is dancing to that? I would have suffered him rhyming sister with Sister2Sister in this case, because at least that makes sense! Also "radio, stereo"? That line is about as redundant as Train themselves.
"Just in time, I'm glad you have a one-track mind like me." What? With no context or meaning, this line is just noise.
"You gave my life direction, a game show love connection we can't deny." Love Connection hey? Witty reference. Too bad the only thing shallower than a game show like Love Connection is reality TV. Pat can at least be glad it's not a Big Brother love connection.
This is a Big Brother love connection.
"I'm so obsessed; my heart is bound to beat right out my untrimmed chest." A love song about Pat Monahan's chest hair, ladies and gentlemen! Swoon! Swoooooooooooooon!
Hence why he makes this face in every photo. This is the face of a man that thinks he is so loved that he can make money for singing about his chest hair. And you know what? The bastard is right.
"...like a virgin, you're Madonna..."
And here it is, folks. The worst line in this song also happens to be not only the last line I can criticise but what gave this song so many 'fail points' towards becoming the worst song of the year.
"So gangsta, I'm so thug..."
Now look at this photo. Look at it.
Because there's nothing more gangsta than a white man in his early forties singing along to a ukulele outside a coffee shop. Besides Snoop Dogg leading a gummy bear army in a fantastic lolly kingdom. But we'll never see that-
Never mind.
Someone should throw confetti at you :P I don't understand why people listen to this shiz O.o Maybe they like it because that's what they play at parties, and parties are generally considered to be full of dancing and happytime...? It's almost as if they actually think it's good because that's what the radio plays for them. But surely the world isn't unable to access good music just because it isn't played on the radio D:
ReplyDeleteWell anyway, nice post :P
I think this starts at a much younger age, when partying is irrelevant. I can't say I understand it completely either, but the fact that I've had some people tell me bands like Wintersleep or Blonde Redhead are 'too sad' says a lot. People want cheap, catchy hooks, and it doesn't matter how shallow or bad they are.
ReplyDelete